You Can't Take Carlisle From the Boy

I'm flattered at some of the attention that's come my way of late, thanks - as always - for the e-mails about the book, especially those sharing a fond memory of Joe Laidlaw scattering defenders, Bobby Moncur's attempts at tactical master plans or - even - the odd horror story of paying money to watch Tony Fyfe attempting to score.

Despite some claims to the contrary I'd also like to confirm that the last time I looked on a message board I AM NOT Randomwinner, foxels or Kenny Wilson. They all say they ARE ME, if this is the case all contributions towards the mortgage and school shoes for the one remaining child at home can be forwarded via my publishers! So - all told - things have got a little strange since the last time I put a new column on here. However, none of this strangeness compares with the suggestion floated a couple of weeks back by a certain Brian Mawhinney.

You've surely heard it by now, the notion that any league game still even after 90 minutes should go to a penalty shoot out, the winner of the shoot out gaining an additional league point. At the end of this column you'll find a web address for a petition intent on convincing the Football League that Mr Mawhinney is lacking in judgement. The makers of the petition put it succinctly, suggesting: 'Brian Mawhinney is an attention seeking idiot. Sack Him! ...'

I'll try and be a bit more tactful, it'll be bloody hard, mind. First off, I should say the following opinions are not those of Footymad, the employees of Footymad etc etc. I should also acknowledge that Brian Mawhinney has had a successful career in football whilst I've risen to the dizzy heights of selling a few books, writing the odd column here and…..yeah, well, that's about it eh? As a rule I still pay for my tickets. So, maybe, he's a genius and I'm some thick Cumbrian peasant too stupid to appreciate his forward thinking ideas.

But I still think this is one of the worst suggestions I've ever heard from anyone involved in the administration of football. It reminded me of a Monty Python sketch. If you've ever seen the Happy Valley sketch you might remember the joke. Everyone in Happy Valley is happy all the time. This situation is maintained because anyone less than happy is put to death, sorted! The Python sketch as I understand it was intended as a satire on the kind of regimes - like North Korea - that tell the world things are great and punish anyone in their own country who dares to complain. The point here is that - as I see it - Brian Mawhinney couldn't have made the FA look more ridiculous if he'd tried. He took an idea from one place and put it somewhere else where he thought it might belong. It is almost a Python joke.

The 'thinking' such as I see it is that the fans or 'customers' must have closure at all times. In other words, this is an idea that equates football with a visit to Burger King and suggests we haven't had the full 'experience' unless we leave with the free child's lolly and plastic toy at the end. What football planet does this bloke inhabit? I can see the intention to eliminate the so called 'bore draw' games but that's about all that makes sense in this idiotic suggestion. If you - like me - saw the brief flurries of trouble over recent years, like the scuffle at the station and stuff flying away at Aldershot in the Conference and the - mercifully - brief flare up at Millwall a couple of weeks back, you'll probably be glad they were small scale. Imagine both of those games if we'd won away on a shoot out, in fact, imagine any hotly contested local derby. From a safety point of view teams losing are good news if their supporters leave early, some supporters of course miss last minute goals that draw games. 'Bore draws' tend to dampen everyone's love of life by five o' clock on a Saturday. A penalty shoot-out at the end would stop all of that, ensuring everyone stayed to the end and one lot - often the home crowd with greater numbers - left in a bad mood with their blood well and truly up. If and when that happens I'd like Brian Mawhinney to personally stand in front of me as the first Millwall supporter lines up a brick and tell that Londoner; 'We did it to improve the game of football.'

And the other obvious mile wide flaw in the whole sorry suggestion is the impact on games. The suggestion, as phrased, seems to assume games would go ahead as they do now, with the shootouts tagged on the end. Complete crap, as far as I can see. I've visions of the perennial strugglers - Bury, Torquay, Rochdale - signing psycho defenders from local leagues, guys with no skill beyond shutting out attacks and firing penalties that would have goalies filling their shorts in fear. Anyone remember Jon Gittens, who played for Torquay against us, and was a featured character in Gary Nelson's book 'Left Foot in the Grave?' Nelson talked about the - ahem - challenging task of trying to manage the man. I'm sure Gittens may have lawyers so we'll go no further with this example, but I'm imagining the kind of players who'd struggle to match him for skill but would match him for 'passion.' Four of them, one expensive and useful goalie, and a team struggling for skill has a route to surviving ninety minutes and taking home two points. It could get so bad that we'd have old-timers like me fondly remembering 80s Wimbledon as a skilful side!

It won't get that bad because I honestly believe there is enough sense left in the world, this mad idea will last a few more weeks whilst everyone with an opinion unites and points out just how ridiculous it really is.

It IS ridiculous, especially at Carlisle's level, because it suggests we go only to see closure and results. And it suggests our love of the place most of us were born, the history we've shared with this club and the knowledge we bring to watching each successive season count for nothing. In other words, it suggests that Brian Mawhinney could listen to a chorus of 'if you're proud to be a Cumbrian…..' or 'I'm Carlisle till I die,' and understand nothing.