Dear Wayne - Everyone's Favourite Agony Aunt

DEAR WAYNE I RECENTLY left my old club for a richer, more glamorous new club, but now I think I've made a terrible mistake! At first everything was brilliant at my new club. The money was great, the fans loved me and the manager promised me first team football. But since I punched a team-mate my world has collapsed and I've been left on the bench. All I want to do is run away. What should I do?

WAYNE SAYS RUNNING away would be the easy, cowardly option. So I say do it! Don't turn up to training for a couple of days, then when the press track you down, tell them that you feel abandoned by your manager at a time when you needed him most. With any luck your old club won't have received the full payment for you anyway, and will take you back for a player plus cash fee.

DEAR WAYNE I COULDN'T believe my luck when I slept with three girls in what could only be described as a foursome. But now my luck looks to have run out as I have some unsightly yellow spots on my member. I've thought about going to the clinic but am too embarrassed. Should I write an autobiography?

WAYNE SAYS NO! Put all your plans for an autobiography on hold until after you've dealt with the spots. You could go to the clinic, but if you're at a good club, the team doctor should be used to dealing with these things. You'll probably find that all your team-mates have seen him for the same thing. Foursomes, roastings and gang-bangs are an everyday part of a footballer's life and genital infections are just as much a part of your kit as shin pads and boots. Then, when it's cleared up, write a book about your battle with a life-threatening illness and watch your popularity, and your bank.

DEAR WAYNE EVERY time I take to the pitch the players all shout and swear at me. I show them my cards and remind them of the rules, but that just makes them worse. It's driving me insane! What can I do?

WAYNE SAYS F**K OFF you f***ing c**t! The last time I came across a t**t like you he sent me off n'all. Take your f**ing cards and shove them up your a**e, you b*****d! If that doesn't work, you can always try my helpline.

DEAR WAYNE I'VE just scored a hat- trick and am about to be interviewed on Sky Sports. What should I say?

WAYNE SAYS TELL him it's great to get on the scoresheet but it's the team performance and the three points that count. If they ask you about the future, tell them you're just taking one game at a time. And try to say 'you know' at least three times every sentence.

DEAR WAYNE I'M FRIGHTENED to get in the showers after my team-mates laughed at me - because my penis is too big! I've always been a big lad and shy about drawing attention to myself, but now it's all my team-mates talk about. The banter's always been second to none at my club, but now I'm being called names like 'donkey dick' and 'king dong' and last week the manager even came into the dressing room with a courgette wrapped in gaffa tape and made lewd gestures with it. I thought I could just ignore it and laugh it off, but over recent weeks things have just got worse. The tannoy announcer has a half time game called 'Guess the Girth' and the cheerleaders have a new routine which involves straddling an effigy of me. They think they're flattering me, but I feel like it's bullying. I don't know how much more I can take.

WAYNE SAYS HAVING a penis like a coal barge is nothing to be ashamed of. Ignore your team-mates, they're just jealous. Use your affliction to your advantage and get a lucrative photoshoot with a women's magazine. Train in tight shorts and make sure you go on holiday where you're sure to be snapped in your speedos. Soon you'll have glamour models falling at your feet and your team mates will be laughing on the other side of their faces.