Smutty Players are Revolting DEAR WAYNE AS PART of a recent training exercise I asked the lads to all pull together. The result wasn't quite what I was expecting and could only be described as homoerotic. Now they're threatening to put a video of it on Youtube. What should I do?WAYNE SAYS THIS is a common problem amongst footballers who tend to do these kinds of things together. I remember Fergie once asked us to 'express ourselves' and it left a terrible mess on the dressing room floor. There's nothing you can do to stop them putting it on Youtube, but you can prevent these things happening in the future. Avoid similar phrases such as 'to a man', 'big lads' and 'penetrating balls' and you should be alright.DEAR WAYNE I'M ALWAYS asking the lads to give 110%. Is that mathematically possible?WAYNE SAYS NO. The players can't mathematically give more than 100%. Ask them to put in an honest days' work or give it their all, that should do the trick.DEAR WAYNE RECENTLY I bought a football club because it seemed like a laugh, but now it's all going pear-shaped and I don't know what to do. I'm an extremely wealthy man with a fortune made in blood money and arms dealing. When I saw the chance to buy a Premiership club my friends all told me it would be folly. But I trusted in the manager I brought in and honestly believed we could make things work. Now he's revealed himself to be a hopeless waste of time but that doesn't stop him spending my money! I feel trapped, what should I do?WAYNE SAYS HMMMM. It's a tricky one. If you walk away you'll leave the club right up the creek with crippling debts and a wage bill that they can't maintain. But sacking the manager can often do more harm than good. Why not take him back to your home country and show him what they do to betrayers and vagabonds? That'll give him a right good kick up the arse and should bring the results your filthy money deserves.DEAR WAYNE I'M USUALLY a very sensible WAG, but when I had a few too many Babyshams at last year's Christmas party, I found myself in an attacking formation with the entire back four! Now I'm pregnant and I don't know whose it is. Should I get drunk and flash my knickers?WAYNE SAYS GETTING drunk will only be a short term fix and might harm the baby. You're better off making them all think its theirs then screwing them for every penny they've got. Then when the baby's born, sell the story of your heartbreak to a glossy and watch the money roll in. You might not find out who the father is, but you'll have enough cash to get that stiletto-shaped swimming pool you've always wanted.DEAR WAYNE I'M A top manager with over 3 years' experience at 17 different clubs, but every job I get seems to be over in seconds. It's the same old story every time. I meet the chairman and he woos me with his hopes and dreams for what we'll achieve together. But once he's seen me in action he loses interest and dumps me for a younger, exotic manager. Am I doing something wrong?WAYNE SAYS IT'S NEVER easy being a manager these days, especially when there are so many rich chairmen to lead you astray. Try to be more picky when accepting a job. Unfortunately, as we all know, chairmen are only interested in one thing, and it's not your coaching badges. Try to show him that you need long term commitment and complete control over transfers. If he can't respect that, then he doesn't respect you and you're better off out of there.DEAR WAYNE I'M WORRIED that my girlfriend is taking me for a ride. I'm very unattractive but I have a beautiful girlfriend, but all she seems interested in is my money! I train for two, sometimes three hours a day and by the time I get back from training, she's already out with her mates, shopping or having expensive, boozy lunches. I've confronted her about it and she tells me she really, really loves me, but I'm not so sure. I'm worried she's taking the mickey but I'm scared I'll never meet another girl like her.WAYNE SAYS DON'T put yourself down. You don't need looks when you've got money, just look at me! You might not realise it, but under all that make up and designer gear, she's probably a minger too. So let her spend your money and stop your moaning you ugly twat.DEAR WAYNE MY CLUB want me to sign a lucrative new contract, but I'm scared to commit! I'm 22 and I've been at my club for nearly two years. I love them more than anything, they're in my blood, but my agent says I can get more money elsewhere. What should I do?WAYNE SAYS SINCE when did signing a contract mean you have to stay at a club? All it means is you and your agent can make more money when you leave, so what are you waiting for? Get it signed then slap in a transfer request! .Club or Country DEAR WAYNE I'VE BEEN given an ultimatum by my manager - play for your club or you're out. But I've recently been offered the chance to play for Scotland because my mum's neighbour's daughter was in an episode of Take the High Road. I'm from Lewisham and the nearest I've been to Scotland was an away game at Derby, but now I really want to play for my country, they're in my blood. I even got a tartan diamond earring to prove it. But my boss told me to lose the earring and now I'm scared of losing everything. What should I do?WAYNE SAYS YOUR club pays your wages and so they always comes first. I've heard stories of players choosing their country over their club but they're just sentimentalists. Don't get me wrong, I loved playing for my country, but then I played for England. Feign injuries for friendlies then start making an effort when an international tournament comes along. With any luck you'll only have to play in the summer and your boss won't mind.DEAR WAYNE I'VE RECENTLY started playing with a new partner but I think my eager celebrations are too much for him. I'm 24 and he's 21 and we've been playing together for six months. In the beginning we would pass it to each other and set up goals for fun. But during one celebration I kissed him and patted his bum and I think I went too far. Now every time he scores he pushes me away and he won't even pass to me any more. I'm worried that I came on too strong. How can I win him back?WAYNE SAYS SOME people are uncomfortable with too much contact and it sounds to me like you pushed him too far, too soon. Try talking to him and ask him what celebrations work for him. He might prefer sliding towards the corner flag or doing a little dance together. Then when he's more comfortable with you, you can progress on to hugs, hair-ruffling and pile-ons. You can have fun without being gay. My advice line on macho celebrations should help.HELPLINES 09067 577161 Celebrations too gay? 09067 577162 Odd one out in a spit roast? 09067 577164 Cheating - how not to get caught. 09067 577166 How to spit in your opponents' face. 09067 577 167 Calls cost 99p per second from landlines, 1200p from all other lines. Check with your service provider before using your phone calls as an excuse to avoid drugs testing. (1p from every call goes to Kick Racism Out Of Football. 2p from every call goes to the Ron Atkinson fund for free speech) |